Hello.
My name is Esmeralda. Boyfriend's name is Edict (let's just say these names for the purpose of conversation).
We have been together for four months now and up until last week, Edict and I were the strongest.
Now I know that you are all thinking (or not if you don't really give a flying f***) that this is another one of those sloppy love stories and now she is going to write about her personal life on the interweb... Well, you are completely correct.
Edict is the first guy that has ever given me what I have needed from someone. You see, if someone is not giving 50% in a relationship, I make up for it by giving more and in the end smothering them :/. I am that person who kind of thinks that if something goes wrong, it is always my fault. So for the first time in my life, Edict IS giving me 50%... at first I thought that it was kind of annoying, but now I have come to accept that it is because all the other guys I have dated before have just treated me like shit (kind of already thought along these lines, but this makes it peachy soft). He brought me a fully functioning typewriter for my birthday, ran me a bath one time when I felt like my world was suffocating me and washed me, in turn calming me down. Edict brought me a bunch of CD's and said that they help him when he wants to escape and just chill. He gives me more then I could EVER want in bed and for the first time in my life, I actually want his sex.
(NOTE: reading this again makes me sound like I am a very damaged being... guess I am a bit, aren't we all?).
So, just full stop, he makes me laugh, we are great together. Now this life is sort of being threatened, at least I think so. He has been down lately because of his band letting him go (they wanted him to spend every waking hour playing with them, when he still had to work to live. Unlike them, he does not have parents who pay for everything), he hates his job with an almighty passion, I am also pretty sure that there is something in there from his ex as well that is bugging him (as of yet to confirm, when we got together he said it was completely over and they don't speak no more. I believe that, I think he may have bottled up some of those feelings and with everything else they have just ridden to the surface.), in short a lot of problems have come hurling his way and he feels crap.
This much I can get, normally I would make a project out of the guy and try and help him, this time I am going to try my best to be there, but not to interfere. I don't want another project I want a partner.
The day before D-Day happened, we had the best day together. Went along the river Thames in a boat, had a lovely meal out, then went to see a theater show. The lights were positioned around London in the most spectacular arrangement... I was literally walking around with a smile on my face telling Edict that I felt I was in a movie and that life was perfect right now. The only thing that was missing is that we couldn't have sex that night, I had been having problems with down below hurting me. He told me that all that was happening in life, none of the bad stuff was related to me.
As I left him the next day I suddenly felt sad, like it was a proper goodbye, I almost panicked and wanted to follow him and tell him the weird sensation... but I didn't. I went to the hospital instead.
Now, I have a mother who is a nurse, I have always had a healthy body (maybe a bit on the thin side of things, but I guess that is my genes) and I have had my body checked after every dickhead I used to date once I had left them for cheating. I am clean. I was clean. Apparently I may have genital herpes. Which is actually treated like a cold among doctors. Most people don't actually even show symptoms and stays dormant... The doc said that she thought I was showing symptoms, but I would have to go to a clinic to be sure (it might also be the case of thrush mixed with my new soap/washing powder and being run down at the moment). It has now all cleared up and I didn't get to the clinic beforehand. Edict was told, now I feel as if I am part of his problems. Feels as though I have added to his camels back and I am not that shining part in his life anymore that keeps him sane. I feel I have screwed up.
I haven't seen him since I texted the news, now he is saying that he wants to use condoms, which doesn't really make a difference because he will have that virus as well, it didn't just pop up into me leaving him high and dry. I have been doing research on it, so maybe I can present this to him or go see a GP together or something.
Either way, I have been made a problem. I wonder, having sex with a condom every single time will be an absolute pain, it will make us pause while we should just be plunging on in. Will he go down on me? Will I go down on him? Does he still want to go away with me camping? Am I overreacting? I don't know what to do... Doctors treat it like a cold, they don't even test for it if you are not showing symptoms because they can not get a conclusive result.
I am confused and Edict feels like he has sunk into a black hole and therefore cannot give the 50% he used to.
HELP! Any advice would be great. I don't think I will lose him (have already said that if he needs to concentrate on him, to let me down easy and he seemed to get angry with that) but I don't know how to give him what he needs while still trying to figure out what I need to keep going. I can't smother him like I do because he obviously needs space to figure it all out. GADDAMN it, why couldn't this just have waited a few months and not be all at once.
Grr.
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