I have been in love before, a more twisted love then the kind I am feeling with Edict, but it was still love. Whenever these people have left me in a shape of sadness and anger mixed together, I have always been able to pull myself out... Only because I knew that, if somebody cheats on you (with words or physical), then he does not deserve the scum of the earth. However, if Edict and I broke up, I know that I am going to be the most broken being out there.
Yes, I know it has only been 4months. But there is something about him that makes me feel calm (not of late), happy (confused atm) and just plain good. Right now though, he isn't functioning properly and I have to figure out what from his past I can actually stand.
He has and ex fiance. I don't really know much about it to be honest, but I know they got together when they were young and they grew apart. When I got with him and learnt of this, I naturally almost ran away. I did NOT want to put myself in a position where he could be with me and expect me to fill her place. I was afraid of his feelings returning and maybe they would get back together, leaving me to be the one looking in to the warmness from the cold. It soon became clear that he was not interested in that at all, he even said the words "I would not be with you, if there was a chance that I wanted her."
Now though, he is dealing with a lot on his plate. His hands are full. What I think is happening is that he has so much grunge from the river coming up that past memories of when he last felt this way are as well. Which completely sucks to be me. I don't know if I can deal with the fact that he is telling me that the memory of her is bothering him a little (brought up because when I found out that I might have herpes, I stupidly asked if there was a chance that she had cheated and given it to him)... more then a little. I guess that if he is telling me all of these things, then he wouldn't be wanting to be with me.
It makes it harder as well because he has not told me that he loves me of late. I guess in a way that would be too positive of him in his dark time, but I honestly just need to hear those words. Doesn't make it easier that it takes an hour to see each other and we both work pathetic times of the day. All I want is for my smiling man to come back and take his place, shove over the begger for better times and carry on with life.
I really need to see him, I think I am reading into it too much and I hope that all of this is in the depths and his mind is only skimming the surface. I wish that he was not a glutton for self punishment.
I have also started hurting myself again. I used to starve myself for days then eat a morsel or two, back when I was in highschool and just after. Now I am digging my fingernails into my skin. I have always disliked it when people have hurt themselves in this way, it looks like they are seeking attention. I guess that's a little true, I am seeking the attention, but mostly it stops my train of thoughts... It let's me concentrate on the pain tingling through my arm... It also stops me from getting mopey and starting to cry while putting things back into perspective. The thing is, is that I am not sure which perspective.
Any ideas, any thoughts? Please let me know...
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